im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
