I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
