I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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