No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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