Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
All the doctor said was why
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
