Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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