woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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