I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize