the condom got lost in my hair
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
