what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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