The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize