the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
