I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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