omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
