I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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