wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
