Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
