Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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