i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Randomize
