I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
