I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You're so nebulous sometimes
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Randomize
