What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
