yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
