and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
