hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
