I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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