Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
