I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
