it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize