You just made me feel so damn special
The maid of honor just puked.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
