Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
