So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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