I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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