I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
