I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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