You're so nebulous sometimes
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
