If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
please don't ironically join a cult
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