I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
