And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
