I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
