I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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