Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
