The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
