my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I love having hate sex.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
