why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
