I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
