i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize