Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
