Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
