I wish my penis had an off switch
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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