I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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