that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
