winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
