So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
