We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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