i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
