i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
