This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
