Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
