ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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