I'm jealous of your bromance
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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